Yes, no or maybe?

Does every joke hold a bit of truth? It does, doesn't it?
I think so too.

Gone girl

I have a long to-do list for today. Doing the laundry, packing for my mid-week trip to Bali, paying the almost-due bills, starting on my reviews and self-evaluation for work.

Then I made a mistake of downloading Gone Girl and started reading it.

Now I'm doomed.

Being a working adult with responsibilities sucks.

New York, New York!

I can finally strike off New York from my bucket list. Only writing about it now when my jetlag is starting to wear off. Is wear off the right word to describe jet lag?

So to be honest we chose NY as the vacation destination becaue it's a city everyone should go once in their lifetime right? But more importantly, planning a multi-city vacation itinerary (our original plan was Italy) was just a nightmare.

As the travel dates loomed near l got a bit nervous. I grew upwatching tons of crime drama and i'm going to the very country these dramas were based on!  A place where guns are legal! What's wrong with me?!

And I have friends and colleagues telling me how they hate NY because it's overcorwded and busy and dirty and New Yorkers are rude.

I went to NY with very low expectations. And I was very pleasantly surprised. I LOVE NY! The vibe of the big city truly makes me feel alive. I thrive on it. My heart will always be in Seoul but besides that, I found my city, guys.

Goodbye, London. Hello, New York!

I will definitely be back.

If I don't, who does?

Sometimes I do something or react to something in a bad way and I'll regret it immediately. But then I wonder why I should hide how I really feel? I do not like others to feel uncomfortable because of my mood or how I feel but I think lying to myself and putting up an act is worse, maybe?

Today was one of those days. I think I'm too old to act up especially with friends who matter. But I was tired, upset and just...annoyed? And I felt bad that I made everyone uncomfortable, really. I guess they knew something was wrong but no one had the guts to outrightly ask. At that point I wasn't sure what I wanted. Should I leave and be by myself? Would that make matters worse? I wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. My mood was not getting any better and I didn't know what to do.

Why do I feel disappointed? I'm not sure. Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I too sensitive? Do I give others the wrong impression?

When someone finally did have the guts to ask me what's wrong, I wasn't sure how to answer. I honestly do not know.

No idea what's wrong with me today. I can't even blame it on pms. But somehow I feel I wasted half a Saturday away. Why?

Woe, be gone

I used to scoff when people say that exercise makes them destress, relax and happy. Seriously people? There are many other non-strenuous activities that will make you happy. Food, for one! Ahhh..yes. The shallow me used to think that way. And now I shamefully take back everything I said.

I started to take on a new job role this year, and I have to admit I have not been taking it very well in the first 5 months. Well to be fair, one said that it will be easy, but no one told me that it'll be this challenging either. I feel like I have to be constantly on my toes - the moment I take a back seat for a breather, I miss something out and eventually cause a minor screw up.

I'm not used to the need of  having this "heightened sensitivity" - sensitivity to everything - my team members' output, their team work, their progress, their training, their day-to-day tasks - all on top of MY own things to do. Sometimes I feel like it's gonna be too much. Managing people is no easy feat. Adults are a horror to manage- any manager will tell you that. At least if you deal with kids or adolescents, you can forgive them somewhat because they're kids, but adults? I can go on rambling about this, really! But it will only make me upset. It's a Friday and I do not want to be upset!

During the interview process for my role, my global head warned me that the road that I'm heading towards is a lonely one. He said my team will start to treat me "differently" because we'll be of different "levels". I do not have friends at work - I have co-workers whom I consider colleagues, but not friends. I come to work to work, not make friends, so I thought it shouldn't be too difficult right? But now, perhaps one firend will be nice to have - someone who understands the office politics and be my "watchful eye"?

To be honest I applied for this new management role not because I was really hard up for it, but because I thought that it was about time that I move up another step, after close to 5 years in the firm. Also, my global head and regional manager were discreetly pushing me to apply, And now that I'm nearing 30, perhaps it's time to progress in my career, no?

But these days, I wonder if managing people is something that I want to do? It's just so challenging and frustrating, a lot of the times. It really is no good for this weak heart of mine. Managing a team is something very new to me and the learning curve is so steep, sometimes I feel like I do not have the energy or motivation anymore. I am thankful for my regional manager who is a great mentor and gives me guidance. She corrects me when I'm wrong, reminds me of the things I miss out, makes suggestions on how I can do things better. I sometimes feel ashamed at the mistakes I make.

So two of my colleagues are regulars of a small ladies' gym near the office and I started going at their recommendation. I started joining them too with the intention of wanting to start keeping fit again. It's been almost a decade since I exercised regularly. I like to indulge in food, and have a history of chronic illnesses in my family so I thought my lifestyle was not sustainable in the long run. I had to start exercising again at some point. After a few sessions of workouts, I realised the fulfillment a two-hour workout session can bring. My workout and weight training sessions require me to be focused - so I do not think of anything else, much less work. So I do, in actual fact, destress. And everyone knows scientifically that exercise releases happy hormones. At the end of a two-hour work out, my body is tired but I feel much better than when I leave the office. I'm losing weight but gaining muscle mass. I'm losing inches. My body is lighter and firmer - I feel good. I sleep better after a work out. There's nothing for me to lose!

So YES to working out for me. I take back everything I said in the past.

Nothing important?

Trying out blogging using my iPad and it just feels odd. I need a proper keypad. I need to feel the keypad at my fingertips and hear the soft clicking sounds as I type. A touch keypad just feels weird and different. Typos aside, I feel like my thoughts and typing are not in proper sync. iPads are just not built for heavy typing? Or am I just clumsy?

A proper update once I'm at my laptop. Till then!

My fair (French) lady

My infatuation with the lovely Lea Seydoux has upped a notch. I have watched many, many, videos related to her in the past few weeks, and not learnt much, unfortunately. She's so very shy and private, which makes her even more intriguing. She had a very privileged upbringing and her family is very wealthy and well-known in France, but she's made it clear that they never helped her in her career although they are a big part of the film industry there.

Oh Lea, you make me want to travel to Paris all over again! (I didn't like Paris, by the way. I'm the 50% of people who found Paris dirty and underwhelming.)

I read somewhere that she stays in district 10...

Bohemian rhapsody

I've always been envious of those who have the guts to chase their dreams, or live for their passion.

I recently had a chance to speak to someone of about my age who's never had a solid, stable job but doing freelance all these years. He went to London to study art (lucky him, not all of us have the financial means), realised his forte is in jewelry design, did odd jobs in London, taught Art part-time to A level students, tutored Literature, went to Barcelona with his partner and stayed there for a year conducting adhoc art classes and now works as a freelance designer for a friend's Hong Kong-based clothing label. My boss calls this the "bohemian lifestyle". He's truly been doing what he loves so far, not held back by money or seeking for any financial stability, and just taking things as they come his way. Perhaps he comes from an upper-middle class family which can help finance his lifestyle. If so, how very lucky.

Circumstances unfortunately do not allow me to lead such a "bohemian lifestyle". I have to work, (and work hard) to pay off my student loans, the insurance and bills, and just support myself, in general. I do not consider myself high maintenance, but I like to (ahem) pay for quality and comfort. I do not have loaded parents and I'm not handed supplementary credit cards, so I have to work hard to get what I want. But even if I'm given the chance for a "bohemian lifestyle", what will I do?

At this ripe (old) age of 29, I'm not even sure what my passion is. And chase my dream? What exactly is, my dream? I often ask myself, and find that I do not have an answer. Does this mean my life is somewhat aimless and lacks quality?

Not so quiet earworm

John Legend's "All of Me" has been on repeat for two days while I'm at work. I heard it at my cousin's wedding last weekend and it's been stuck in my head since. But what a beautiful song! Now don't start judging, but I don't really listen to the radio except when I'm in the car (I don't watch much television either, but that's another story for another day), so I'm very out of touch with new hits and chart toppers. Apparently "All of Me" has been a number 1 for weeks, and for good reason!

So then I started to google John Legend, and found out he's quite the brainiac. I must say I was pleasantly surprised. He got accepted at Harvard, offered scholarship to some other college I can't recall, but decided to read Literature at Penn.

Apparently "All of Me" was inspired by his relationship with his wife (recently married, after dating for 7 years). How very romantic and sweet. Cliched somewhat, but all girls are a sucker for these things.

There's just something about men who can play the piano really well. Takes my breath away....

That blue-haired girl

I finally watched the "critically acclaimed", much talked about, "Blue is the warmest colour" recently. I've been thinking a lot about it - much more than I should! It's so incredibly powerful and sad and that somewhat affects and disturbs me. Does that sound odd? Perhaps it's because the movie feels so raw and real, it's almost like I'm watching reality tv, taking a sneak peek into a real girl's life, instead of watching an actual movie?

I openly admit I'm completely smittened by Lea's character, Emma. The way she speaks, her dreamy eyes, her sweet smile, the way she takes a drag, her passion for the arts...I could go on, really.

And I thought to myself, if that so-very-charming blue-haired girl were to to flirt with me and chat me up, what would I do? My heart would flutter, most definitely. But would I waver?

My night light

I've been yearning for a space to write. It's been years since I sat down to pen my thoughts in coherent sentences. I started reading a blog recently and got inspired again. And I have all these thoughts swirling around my already cluttered head  - thoughts I don't feel like talking out. Perhaps writing will make things clearer? We'll see.

So here's my night light - my small space for comfort or convenience when times are dark. Or not.