Cuts like a knife

 It hit me hard in a way I never expected. Painful in a way I cannot describe with words. The grief is always there, shadowing me. Waiting for that moment of weakness to creep up into my thoughts and shake up my emotions again. 

For the sake of my sanity

For the last time (wishful thinking on my part, really), please stop trying to subtly bring up the subject of marriage or settling down.

Why do people of my community feel that marriage completes a woman? I am not waiting to be rescued by a man who will complete my life and make me worthy of my existence.

Also, I do not feel overlooked, bypassed or rejected. I have no fear of missing out on anything.

I am, in fact, extremely pleased with this freedom that I get to enjoy.

Damn if I do, double damn if I don't

It's been barely a week and the full workload is not even here yet but shit's hit the fan. Twice. I'm already exhausted, but even more frustrated. And I'm already tired of bearing the brunt when things go wrong. And especially when mistakes are made.

When they make a mistake, it reflects badly on me. But when they do well, where does that put me? Ain't no one will ever say oh they do well because of you. I do not want any honour don't get me wrong but really - am I the only one who feels this way?

Sometimes I just want to show my true feelings and just be BITCHY when I am upset or frustrated. Trying to hold it in and remaining calm and composed when I'm not is painful and tiring.

I do know all the things I'm doing wrong but I'm getting close to the point where I'm unsure what I am doing right anymore.

Reminders to live by

Writing resolutions are useless because I never achieve them or look back to check how I stick to them anyway. Instead I will write a few reminders for myself for this upcoming year

1. Learn to relax and laugh at myself. Stop being offended so easily (is this an age thing?!)
2. Spend less on luxury items I don't need. I have more than enough now. Spend on experiences (more holidays!) and loved ones - giving is more meaningful
3. For every new piece of clothing or item I buy, I have to throw or giveaway at least one current one out (as of now I already need to remove a minimum of 4 pieces of clothing from my wardrobe!)
4. Health comes first - boost my immunity, so I'm less sickly. Sufficient daily sleep, rest and fluids. Take those damn health supplements - whenever I remember
5. Spend more on skincare, not makeup!

I will add on more as the year progresses.

Shit got real

I could feel my life slowly unravelling out of my control the moment we stepped into that office. I knew

Unanswered questions, broken hearts

Why are you doing this? What have I done so wrong? Why don't you choose us? I know i keep asking myself these questions quietly at the back of my mind, over and over. I act like it doesn't matter much, when I know in reality that I am slowly crumbling. But not talking about it out loud, not having to listen to all the negativity, is the only way I know to hold myself together. It's the only way I can protect myself. I cannot dwell on this and let this all consume me.

People say her father is a girl's first love. But what if her first love breaks her heart over and over? What if her first love unknowingly betrays her? What if her first love didn't choose her? How can she ever trust another when the man she is to trust most breaks her..?

The knife that cuts deepest

How am I ever supposed to trust another man when the one I should trust most breaks my heart over and over again...? It hurts in a way I cannot explain. It's eating me up and I am sadly allowing it to. I can't look you in the eye anymore. How dare you blame me for your own mistakes and choices? It's one thing to commit a sin, then it takes it to a whole new level when you blame others for what you did. It happens. Again and again. I can never trust you ever again. And I'm not sure I am even sorry.

How dare you.